Healing Together: How Community Helps Us Through Loss

Matt: 00:00:01

Welcome to the Live well podcast, where we explore how to navigate life's biggest changes, overcome challenges, and build a future that aligns with your values and your goals. Hi, I'm Matt Wilson, financial advisor, coach, and business owner of my practice here at Cornerstone Wealth Services here in South Bend, Indiana.

And I am so glad that you're here today. We're diving into a topic that everyone will face at some point in. In your life. Grief.

Grief is one of those things that doesn't have a timeline, it doesn't have a rule book or a right way to go through it. It's deeply personal and can often leave people feeling lost, isolated, or unsure where to turn next.

But there is hope, there is healing, and there are people who understand what you're going through.

So that's why I'm honored to be joined today by Scott Bonner and his wife Nancy, who facilitate a local chapter of Grief Share, which is a national network of support groups designed to help people heal from the pain of losing a loved one. Grief Share combines practical tools, guided discussion and community to help people navigate one of life's hardest seasons with grace and hope.

Scott, welcome to the Live well podcast. Nancy, welcome.

Nancy: 00:01:23

Thank you.

Matt: 00:01:23

I'm so glad that you're here today to share your experience and to give our listeners some encouragement and direction. So, Scott, let's start by giving our listeners a little background.

Can you maybe share a little bit about yourselves and maybe your story and what led you to get involved with Share?

Nancy: 00:01:42

Sure.

I retired approximately nine years ago and I had more time on my hands and I had reached out to our church family because they do a Stephen ministry, and I went through that with them.

And Stephen ministry is where you serve one on one with somebody whose life is turned upside down and who needs somebody to walk alongside them and help them process.

And about a year after that, the leader of Stephen ministry came to me and said, we're wondering if you might want to consider doing griefshare as well. We had somebody in our church that lost a loved one, and it really was very devastating for them.

And we didn't have anything here for them at that time. And they went to another church and did a Grief Share group which is a 13 week session.

And it was just something really profound that helped her out so much that she wondered if we could do that here. And so I said, well, let me look at the material and we'll see. And so when I looked at the material, I could see where it could really help.

And I wanted to do something for, you know, Our church family and for the community. So I said, yes, let's do griefshare.

Matt: 00:03:04

And Nancy was right alongside. Ready to go.

Steve: 00:03:08

Yeah. I started out more on the help, you know, behind the scenes kind of aspect of it.

But as I've gone through these sessions with everybody, I've also morphed into helping it facilitate from time to time when they need somebody to fill in.

Matt: 00:03:30

Okay, so tell me a little bit about how it works. Like, let's say somebody's looking for some help. They. They don't really know where to turn. What's their first step, and how do they get plugged in?

Nancy: 00:03:43

Sure. Well, Grease Share is for those grieving loss of a loved one. And it's from age 18 and older. So it's adult based material.

And in that there's a workbook, there's a video, and there's group discussion that they would do in a griefshare group.

Matt: 00:04:03

Okay.

Nancy: 00:04:05

Nancy, would you like to anything more?

Steve: 00:04:08

I think you pretty much summed that up.

Nancy: 00:04:10

Okay.

Matt: 00:04:11

It's a national organization. Right. It is after is everywhere.

Nancy: 00:04:14

It's put up by Church Initiative and that is they're a nonprofit organization that has really a video presentation is what they do to help people that are grieving.

Matt: 00:04:29

Probably from a lot of licensed individuals, people who understand the psychological side. So do you have to be a church member somewhere in order to go or is it just open to anyone?

Steve: 00:04:43

It's open to anyone. The churches usually are the ones that put it on. They get signed up through Church Initiative and then we bought the videos and the workbooks.

But everybody's welcome, whether they go to our church or whether they go to somebody else's church because they want to be private about their grief, or if they're not going to church at all, the door is open for those.

Matt: 00:05:12

Yeah, I think it sounds like it's just an opportunity to just have no judgment whatsoever where somebody can walk in and just be real. I'm sure it's confidential.

Nancy: 00:05:23

It is confidential.

Matt: 00:05:25

Take it very seriously.

Nancy: 00:05:26

We stress that, that that's part of it too. We want them to come and concentrate on their grief and to work through their grief.

And one thing we would like to share is that sometimes when it feels a little uncomfortable because maybe I don't know anybody. Yeah. But one thing that you have in common if you come is everybody there is grieving the loss of a loved one. And so with that said, there's.

There's people that understand what you're going through. And the facilitators honestly have the same situation, have lost loved ones in the past.

Matt: 00:06:04

Yeah. You know, everybody's going to go through it at some point. We all know somebody who has. Everybody deals with it a little bit differently.

So let's just kind of walk through a little bit of understanding if we can. You spend a lot of time with people and I'm just curious what maybe you've learned about the process of grief.

How it shows up, maybe how it changes over time. You know, what can you speak to on that?

Nancy: 00:06:34

Well, I would say that first of all, when grief happens, it's, it's almost, I would say the first thing that people might feel is shock, sometimes even disbelief. I can't believe this really happened. How do I process that? There can be feelings of anger, bitterness, it could be even guilt that could be in there.

Maybe they were a caregiver and they felt like they didn't do enough and yet they did so much. And so there's a lot of mixed feelings. And then the feeling is I don't know how to even go forward. I can't sleep, I can't maybe eat or I overeat.

I don't even feel like getting out of bed. All sorts of different emotions and feelings that are going on and it's almost paralyzing.

And sometimes they describe that they feel like they're in a fog, kind of

Matt: 00:07:30

the seven stages of grief. And it's a real process and everybody kind of hits them differently maybe, or.

Nancy: 00:07:36

Yeah. And it's, it's, it's a journey too. Like you just said, it's a process. And so it's, it's a journey. It's, it's something that takes time.

And everybody grieves differently. Right, Nancy? And anything you want to share, feel free to. Everybody grieves differently.

Steve: 00:07:53

Yeah. You know, sometimes the stages don't come like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7.

You know, they can be grieving at a different level and then revert back and then go few steps further and then revert back. So it's, it's, you know, it's a, it's a never ending process. You know, in the beginning, trying to navigate through the grief and everything.

We've seen people come that have lost a loved one, two, you know, two weeks prior to three or four years later.

Matt: 00:08:27

Wow.

Steve: 00:08:27

You know, because they become stuck in

Matt: 00:08:29

grief and, and maybe the tools.

Steve: 00:08:31

Yeah. Didn't have the proper tools to get through it.

And they still have the guilt and the, you know, the profound pain of grief because they haven't addressed it.

One of the videos Tells us, you know, we need to lean into our grief and you know, it's kind of like taking on the chin, you know, and be know, try to work on that progress of navigating.

Matt: 00:09:02

So what I'm sure there's a lot of misperceptions in our culture about grief and you know, maybe there's a lot of people who are pressured to move on, you know, very early instead of process. Like you said, they're, they're not processing it. So I guess, can you, can you speak to that a little bit maybe? Is there a misperception?

Steve: 00:09:24

Well, I think some people have the misperception that you can get over it quickly. We have people thinking, you know, I'm going to go through this 13 week session and I'm going to be done. And it doesn't work that way.

It really doesn't work that way. You know, our sessions are in the fall and in the winter and we don't have one in the summertime.

And sometimes we've had people have that summer without having any grief share program and they feel like they've started all over again, you know, they've lost all footage and then they come back in the fall again and try to get that footage again on working through their grief. But it's not something that happens overnight.

There's a lot of cases where it could take up to two years and depending on how profound the, the situation was, you know, such as a tragedy of losing somebody, it could be up to five years. You know, it just really depends on the person and how they work through it.

Matt: 00:10:28

What does healthy grieving look like? I mean, there's all different ways. But I'm sure you seem unhealthy, so maybe, maybe speak to that.

Nancy: 00:10:37

I don't know. Yeah, maybe before. Before that. I'm just thinking with what Nancy said too.

I think there's this feeling in society that we can pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and we're going to just move forward, we're going to move on. And in grief you don't just move on, you move forward. Moving on kind of connotates that I'm leaving my loved one behind.

And that's not what we do in grief. When we move forward, we're taking them with us.

We're taking the memories, we're taking all that we have that we can remember about our loved one with us. And so to avoid. Can you think of anything to avoid?

Steve: 00:11:20

Not sure.

Matt: 00:11:21

Maybe there's unhealthy ways of grief that you've seen.

Nancy: 00:11:26

Yeah, I Would say, if I think of unhealthy is sometimes in the middle of grief, a person might resort to things that are unhealthy, such as alcohol, which would be just another layer of grief.

And after a person is sober and maybe it helped for the moment, then the grief is still there and then there's compounded by now, alcohol overspending, you know, that I.

It makes me feel good, you know, so maybe I have a problem with finances now because I've overspent and all of these types of things doesn't help the grief process. It's layers of that become a problem.

Matt: 00:12:11

Yeah. You know, I was talking with Lyndon Espoona, who's the head of Life Plan, and we had several really good episodes with him. And one of the things he.

He addressed me addressed was addiction and the need for community around addiction. Whether you're dealing with it yourself or you have somebody in your life that is dealing with it, how do you help those people too?

You know, and one of the things that he said, we were talking specifically about children, was the fact that really to help children avoid addiction, you have to help them understand and manage their emotions and specifically their anxiety. So I'm sure there's gotta be a ton of anxiety.

Nancy: 00:13:00

Yes.

Matt: 00:13:00

That you see with people. You know, and it's something that just comes in waves and it might paralyze.

I mean, everything you said earlier is like, oh my goodness, that sounds like an anxiety attack.

Nancy: 00:13:10

Yeah.

Matt: 00:13:11

And people are probably dealing with that. And so just understanding the emotions, providing the tools.

So on that note, with respect to helping people with that, or maybe just somebody who's struggling, somebody who maybe they're struggling silently, what would you say to them? What would you want them to know right now?

Nancy: 00:13:34

I would say to them, you don't have to grieve alone. And there is help and there's hope. I think sometimes it depends on personalities.

There can be internal grievers, there can be external grievers, and sometimes if they're internal grievers, there's the kind of the connotation that they go into the cave and they're by themselves.

And it's difficult, it's difficult to not only to process by yourself, because who do you bounce off any of your thoughts or processes with at that point? If there's somebody there, if you have a grief share group, for example, there's other.

And the videos in that, which really there's individuals, there's professors, counselors, laypeople, pastors, and they've all grieved as well. But they have many tools that a person could get in order to help them process through their grief. One example, just a quick one, would be.

It's pretty common for people say, I'm struggling with sleeping. I know I am just not getting the sleep.

And I know in one of the videos they said, one thing we suggest is if you're having trouble with that, possibly turn off your phones and all your media at least one hour before you go to bed so you can unwind a little bit or maybe a warm shower or a bath or maybe white noise.

Matt: 00:15:14

Yeah.

Nancy: 00:15:14

Something to help. I don't know. Do you have any thoughts, Nance?

Steve: 00:15:19

No. I think men have the hardest time because women are more social than men are sometimes.

I mean, not to say that there isn't social men, but we tend to communicate, articulate more than men do. And one thing that we do in our group is we don't require you to communicate. We don't, you know, to participate.

But because you see yourself having similar feelings and going through this, similar stages of grief and everything, that you have something in common with the next person and then all of a sudden you start feeling like, oh, yeah, I feel that way too. You know, I'm dealing with this too. So it helps them to have an outlet where they don't normally have an outlet.

Because everything is confidential in our class, our classes. And it's supposed to be that way. And everyone that's been, everyone that goes through, you know. Yeah. That facilitates the grief care.

And I think that that's one thing that we, we've known people have said in our, in our. As they go through the program that they feel safe in our group. They know that it's not going anywhere.

They know that the people that are there are understanding. They've gone through a certain type of grief and it may not be the same grief. It may be a loss of a son or a mother or father or something like that.

We don't put levels on grief. We don't say that losing a spouse is more profound than losing a child.

The level of grief is the same in our class, although it may feel more profound than the next one. You know, for that, for that individual person.

Matt: 00:17:17

Yeah, I think, boy, what you said there is so profound. Everybody's different. Yeah. But it's all. All extremely valuable.

Nancy: 00:17:30

Yes.

Matt: 00:17:30

To them. You know, they're.

I heard one time this statement that parents know their children only part of their lives, but children know their parents their entire life, you know, which is weird to think about. It's kind of One of those mind blows. But you know, you think about that and it's like it doesn't really matter how old you are.

Losing a parent is hard. I've experienced losing a parent when I was very young and I could just say that I had tremendous community.

I can point to three specific individuals that the good Lord put in my life at that time and the things that he orchestrated. And then the other side of it was there's this still small voice.

As somebody whose faith is important to them, I would say that I was able to kind of process things in a way that maybe didn't make sense to a 15 or 16 year old at the time. But I kind of knew what was going on. And I think there's always more than one thing going on at a time.

Nancy: 00:18:39

Oh, sure.

Matt: 00:18:39

And so you might see a tragedy happen and you might not understand that, but a lot of times it's like only what's going on in your world. But there might be something completely different going on and it might take time to see that.

I was very fortunate in that when I heard that my dad passed at a young age, look, I heard that voice that said, look, I'm doing this for a reason and there are things that I'm going to do in your life that I couldn't do otherwise. Now you don't tell me a 15 year old thinks that by himself. Okay, he's not able. I have two to be 15 and probably not eight.

So I was very fortunate and blessed that the good Lord put that into my heart. And so I've always kind of believed that. But I also think that there's, you know, specific challenges when it comes to different moments.

And you look back and here I am, what, 30 some odd years later and I'm still talking about it.

Nancy: 00:19:44

Yeah.

Matt: 00:19:45

You know, so you're right, it does stick with you. And it is something that can be deeply personal. And it took me years to be able to talk about it.

Years, maybe 25, 30 years before I could really talk about kind of what happened. And you know, to have community around you I think is incredibly valuable.

So if you are struggling, if there are people out there, if you're sitting there right now saying, boy, I can't even talk to my friends about this.

Nancy: 00:20:14

Sure.

Matt: 00:20:15

Just know that there's people who are there to listen and they're there not to judge and they will. You have a safe place.

Nancy: 00:20:24

Yes.

Matt: 00:20:25

I think that's the other thing. You go to churches and they're not licensed, there's no confidentiality. And there's churches that might talk. Well, this isn't that.

No, is what you're saying. So. And you also mentioned that the program runs, what, 13 weeks?

Nancy: 00:20:38

13 week session.

Matt: 00:20:39

And you can repeat it if you need to.

Nancy: 00:20:41

You can, you can. And I would like to say there too is. Let's say you look up, you said, I feel like I need a grief share group.

And you look and say, well, it's been going on for three or four sessions already. You can still come. Each video is separate by itself, so you can. You won't miss anything. So they're standalone videos, so you can join right in.

And then if we have a next one coming up, which we usually do after Thanksgiving, we have one that starts January 1st or no, in the first week of January, I should say, right in that area, you can come to the second one. You could come to the third one. And we found it.

Would you agree, Nancy, that we've had many people that's done a second one, maybe a third, and they said, you know, when I went through it the next time, I picked up on so much more, because the first time was I was really just struggling, probably still in shock, and I picked up so much more. And we encourage that too, if a person wants to. We think it's very helpful.

Matt: 00:21:47

So you meet weekly. I guess I'm just walking through what that reef year experience is like.

And you've got groups that meet at different locations you can pick up along the way. It's not like their progression.

Nancy: 00:22:01

Right.

Matt: 00:22:03

You. You have a 13 week session, as we mentioned. Workbooks or is it. Yeah.

Nancy: 00:22:08

Okay. You want to share that, Nancy?

Steve: 00:22:10

Yeah.

The Grief Church initiative has workbooks that we use, and it's a 13 week workbook with seven days a week exercises that you can do, you know, filled with scripture and different questions asking you where you're at with your grief and things of that nature.

There's areas in the workbook that, that you can kind of measure your grief in the beginning and then go back and look and see if you've made any progress too. There's also testimonies of people that have gone through grief.

And then we go into the video and the video, like he said, like Scott said, each one stands alone, but each one has specific tools that it shares. So, you know, to give. To give, you know, for people to listen to and try to apply them in their daily life.

It has testimonies from people that have lost loved ones anywhere from, from suicide to, you know, losing a spouse or father or mother or sister. Or brother, you know, so there's all. There's all kinds of testimonies there that will help relate your grief to their grief in them.

And then we have the group discussion is where people can talk about some of their. What they're dealing with during their grief journey and some of the secondary losses that they lose, too. It's not just all about grief.

Your loved one, especially if it's your spouse, contributed to that oneness, you know, of being married. And the person left behind ends up taking all the rest of all those responsibilities that they had, plus their spouse's responsibilities.

And that could be very, very troublesome to them. You know, how to deal with their financial situation, how to take and maintain their home.

You know, a lot of the males, they didn't cook, so they're like, how do I feed myself? I mean, prepare meals and things of that nature.

So these secondary losses are just as profound as the primary loss and these videos and the workbook, and that kind of helps guiding people through those difficulties.

Matt: 00:24:50

What kind of breakthrough moments have you seen? You've seen a lot, I'm sure, and everybody processes it differently. Maybe some walk in angry, maybe some walk in totally paralyzed.

Can you speak to any story that comes to mind?

Nancy: 00:25:09

Well, when I think of the breakthrough moment, I think what you just mentioned, a lot of times when somebody comes, they really are in shock and feeling almost paralyzed. And the feelings that they've had has been really difficult to the point that they either feel like maybe they're in a fog, they feel like.

One example might be that they say, you know, I'm just five miles away from going to the store, and I went through three stops. I went my normal route. I went through three stop lights, a couple stop signs, and when I got there, I don't even remember going through them.

Yeah, I don't remember if the light was red or green. And then. Then the feeling is, is, is there something wrong with me? Am I losing my mind?

And a lot of times that's asked the question, they say, I'm wondering. And the answer is that you're not. That the grief is so intense that it tends to make it hard to really function. And so it does get better over time.

Nancy, did you have any thoughts?

Steve: 00:26:23

Yeah, I agree with that.

Another breakthrough moment would be where people realize that they're not alone, that other people grieve, have lost loved ones, and they've made it through it.

We've had people that come and they just don't want to live, you know, and of course, you Know, first thing comes to our mind, you know, is like, do you have a plan? You know, because if they have a plan, then we refer them on to somebody that's, you know, more trained to help them.

But if they have a plan, then, you know, they realize over the time frame that they take this program, you know, that they do want to live and that they found hope and they found a purpose. And we've had some that have decided after their 13 week program that they want to be a part of grief share.

So we ended up having people that actually went through grief share that ended up becoming a facilitator because they wanted to give back.

Matt: 00:27:32

Yeah.

Steve: 00:27:33

And we've had others that gone through and they said, I go to a different church, you know, could you help us start up a grief share? And so we've been, we've been instrumental in getting other grief shares started in different churches and.

Which opens up, you know, opens up more programs for people that, you know, from, you know, that they have something closer.

And so we've, you know, those are the kind of breakthroughs that we like to see, is that they take the focus off themselves and they put the focus on helping others because they're grateful that somebody took time to help them.

Matt: 00:28:16

No, that's fantastic. And I'm sure you have countless stories to talk through, so appreciate you sharing that.

We'll be right back with Scott and Nancy Bonner in our conversation on grief and healing.

I just want to take a minute to let you know that here at Cornerstone Wealth Services, you know, we believe that living well isn't just about finances. It's about your full life. And that's one of the reasons I started the podcast, was because it's not just about your. Your money.

It's really just about living and living well. So I appreciate Scott and Nancy sharing about their experience and what they do with griefshare.

If you'd like more information, we'll have the information for the local chapter here in the show notes, but also you can feel free to contact our office and be glad to get you connected there.

So whether you're navigating retirement, business ownership, or even the loss of a loved one and life after that, we're here to help you find clarity, confidence, and peace of mind. You can learn more and schedule a discovery call@mattwilsonfinancial.com and we're happy to speak with you and see how we might be able to help.

And if we can't, we'll point you in the right direction. We have several Resources like the Grief Share Program that we're discussing today. So we're happy to help. Look forward to speaking with you. Scott.

One of the hardest parts of grief is that it often feels like you don't know what to say. And I think this is maybe for those who are dealing with those in their life that are facing grief, we don't know what to say.

We don't know what to do. And for those that are supporting someone grieving, what are some helpful things that we can do and maybe what should we avoid doing?

Nancy: 00:30:12

Sure. One thing I would say is we have to make sure that we realize we don't fix them.

So when we come in contact with a loved one and that the best thing that we can do initially is to be a good listener, to be willing to sit down if we're, you know, if we have that type of personality, to sit down, to listen, to let them talk, maybe to laugh with them, to cry with them, to hold their hand, whatever at that moment is needed. But the one thing they don't need is us trying to do things in our time frame when we need to let them have their time frame.

You know, the other thing I would say, and Nancy, I'm sure has some things to say is something to avoid, is don't say, I know how you feel. It's one of the things that I think almost universal when people come is they say they don't know how I feel. How can they say that?

And it hurts them somehow that you don't really understand how I feel.

Matt: 00:31:20

Dismissing it almost.

Nancy: 00:31:23

Yeah. Do you have anything to add?

Steve: 00:31:26

Yeah. I think sometimes the hardest people to talk to are the loved one, your family.

They have this expectation that you can get through grief fast and don't understand why, you know, it's lingering on in your life. But, you know, until you've, until you've had a spouse and lost a spouse, you don't know what walk they're walking.

You know, until you've lost a child, you don't know how, how they're dealing with it. And so the best thing, like Scott said, is just to be a good listener.

The other thing is, is that, you know, we've had a lot of people in our grief share classes that have told us that nobody even asks me how I'm doing or they never mention my loved one. They love to hear their loved one's name. They love to hear stories about their loved one, and they're not afraid to talk about their loved one.

Too many times, we think, you know, if we say something that we're going to make them cry or we're going to upset them, but chances are if you don't talk to them about their loved one or bring their name up or something to that sort, it's just as offensive, you know, because they were a human being and they touched other people's lives as well and they like to hear how they've touched their lives and stuff like that because those are things that they can ponder in their mind and give them happiness, you know, is the good memories that they have about their loved ones.

Nancy: 00:33:06

So, you know, something I'd add to that too is let's say you're not you say, well, my personality, I'm not that type of listener. I'm not going to sit down or feel comfortable doing that. I'm a fix it person.

Well, if you're a fix it person, that's great too because they may need a plumber, electrician or somebody to cut the grass or whatever.

So I think what's also a good thing to do is let's say you're able to do some of these things to say if you need something in this area or that area, call me, I'd be happy to help and make sure that they have your number, be willing to be there when they call because if you're not able to after the call, that's going to be very disappointing. And if say for example, well, I'm not able to do that anymore.

But I have this list of a good plumber, a good electrician, a good person that's working out in the yard in that or a fix it person. And to be able to even share a list because some don't even know where to start. Yeah. And that would be a great help too.

Matt: 00:34:10

Yeah, that's appreciate you sharing that. And obviously it might take time to get strength to do some of those things to find their purpose again.

But I'm sure you've seen people find their sense of purpose and regain that strength. Right.

I'm going to ask you a question here because obviously you've mentioned you're at church and the church sponsors or I guess that's where you meet. It's not necessarily put on by the church. It's what I'm understanding.

But how would you say that faith and spirituality play into the healing process at brief share. Can you speak to on it?

Nancy: 00:34:47

Yeah. Nancy, did you Mark?

Steve: 00:34:48

Well, I think as a Christian you have hope and I'm not sure how people can cope with losing a loved one without hope and Hope is, you know, the promises that God has given us. And, you know, it's in those promises. And one of the things, you know, that I hold on to is that, sure, I miss my loved ones.

I miss my mother and father, my brother and. And my mother in law and father in law. But because I'm a Christian and because I have hope, I feel like one day that I'm going to see them again.

And so that giving, you know, hope of eternity, hope of being able to leave this world because we know it's temporary, you know, gives me the confidence and the will to continue on with my life and live it out to the fullest. And then when that time comes, knowing that I'm going to be reunited again.

Nancy: 00:35:53

n we have promises like Psalm: 34:18

Some of these things give us that hope that you're talking about and that reassurance and having that everybody, you know, it's just proven throughout that you have to have hope. If you have no hope, it's hopeless. And that's when then it becomes really difficult to even navigate through the grief. We have to have hope.

Matt: 00:36:41

Yeah, I appreciate that.

And I think if people want to learn more about that and hear more of the promises, I'm sure they can find you at Griefshare, and they'd be willing to share that. If someone's hesitant to join a group, maybe they feel it's just too sin, too painful. What would you say to encourage them?

Steve: 00:37:03

I would say that it is painful. There's no doubt about it. But I would encourage them to come. And at least. They always say, at least come and do three weeks of grief share.

Commit to three weeks, commit to three weeks.

And once they've committed to three weeks and they realize that this gives them an avenue to express themselves, it shows them that they're not alone. It gives them a safe, safe harbor.

You know, that and the fact that the videos are very, very useful, very informative, you know, I just feel like they will have that desire to continue realizing that you're not alone and realizing that other people are going through the same thing really, really inspires others to, you know, to make that commitment.

One thing that, you know, we say in our class, you know, it's okay to Cry, you know, and nobody's going to, you know, look down at anybody for it because we have some people that are so distraught that they can't even talk about their loved one without crying. But what we see by the end of the 13 weeks is that they cry less. They become more controlled with that. Not that they have to.

It's just that that's what happens. You know, they see progress, and trying to do it alone is just isolating. And it could result in grieving the wrong way. And we've spoke about that.

Where, you know, they revert to the bot. You know, drinking, you know, alcohol or drugs or whatever it is that can take in, temporarily soothe their mind. You know, this is.

Grief share is the more healthier way to work through it.

Nancy: 00:39:14

Yeah, And I was going to say that like. Like you mentioned, I think that was really good that there can be tears.

Sometimes there's a feeling I don't think I can come because I can't even hold them back. You know, it's just right there, right out front. And we say, you know, tears are a gift from God and it's okay to have that. And we do.

We have, you know, we have Kleenex, we have anything we understand and everyone there understands.

And if a person doesn't come, and you can come right away, like Nancy said earlier, I think as early as two weeks after someone passed that their loved one passed, that they came. And you can, if you wait, you delay the healing process. So the longer you wait, the longer the journey is, because you haven't processed through it.

So the sooner you come, the sooner there's help.

Matt: 00:40:16

You know, as you were talking about it, maybe for some people it's just being able to get to some semblance of a normal life so that the tears or the anger doesn't get in the way of that. It doesn't mean you totally block that out. And some people might even feel. Correct me if I'm wrong.

They might feel like, oh, if I'm not crying or if I'm not feeling bad, if I'm not angry, that's bad because, you know, I should be upset at what happened.

Nancy: 00:40:48

That's a good point.

Matt: 00:40:49

And so maybe they. It's like this vicious circle. It's almost like an addiction where you. You feel bad, you do something to feel better.

Nancy: 00:40:57

Right.

Matt: 00:40:57

And then it compounds it and you feel worse. Yeah. And then it's like helping people understand the different stages. It sounds like that's. Could be the first step for somebody.

Nancy: 00:41:08

Oh, you're right. And when you said that, we've had some that said, you know, I haven't cried yet. It's been months, and I haven't shed a tear.

Is there something wrong with me? No, no. That is how you're grieving right now. And like you said, it may cycle around to where tears happen.

And we've had that happen where all of a sudden they let go and tears came, but if they did or didn't, it's okay because it's their grief journey.

Steve: 00:41:35

Yeah. A lot of times when, you know, when they first lose somebody, there is so much to do.

You know, you, you know, you got the will, you got, you know, the finances, the, you know, the funeral. I mean, it. Some of those things just kind of really preoccupy you to a point where you don't have time to grieve.

Matt: 00:41:56

Yeah.

Steve: 00:41:57

You know, and then when all of a sudden things start settling down, next thing you know, it hits you like a rock, you know, and the crying and the profound grief starts creeping in. But this can be done during that time frame. Going through grief share can be done during that time frame.

And sometimes by doing this, it could even hedge off some of the processes that you're going through.

Matt: 00:42:31

Yeah, we have. Actually, I was going to mention this. We have.

And you may have lists and things like this, but from a financial perspective, we created a what to do when a loved one dies checklist.

Nancy: 00:42:42

That's good.

Matt: 00:42:43

So we have checklists for new parents. I have a checklist, a financial checklist for new pastors.

A lot of times they don't understand, you know, all that goes into the financial world and how they're even taxed is they're taxed differently. And so we've created checklists like that and what to do when a loved one dies.

If anybody wants a copy of that checklist, just reach out to us@mattwillisonfinancial.com and you can get a copy of that. And it's been a great help to people. And one thing I would share, too, is you don't have to do all of it at once.

Some people will say, oh, my goodness, it's so much. And I go, yeah, it's time. It doesn't have to all be done right away, but at least it gives you a guide.

And it sounds like that's what Griefshare does as well, with your emotions. So we're here with the finances. You're there for the emotions. I love it.

So, Scott, Nancy, before we close, I'd like to give you the Floor and ask you, what final message or encouragement would you share with somebody, Somebody who's listening today who's in the middle of their grief?

Steve: 00:43:50

Well, to be honest with you, I lost my mother three years ago. Six months after that, I lost my brother. And then Scott's mother passed away a year ago. A little over a year ago, a year and a half.

I was really close to her.

Even though I participate in helping in the background with grief share and occasionally I facilitate with grief share, I went through grief share, you know, I put all the administrative stuff to the side, and I grieved my mother and I went through a second time, and I grieved my brother. And we also lost the son this past September. And we felt like at that time that we were just, you know, being beat up, you know, one after another.

It seemed like in our life, and it was a tragic one. And we both stuck through grief share. We didn't stop. And I stayed with the group and I grieved along with helping out.

And so I could testify that it's been very helpful on a personal level. And I know Scott can, too, because it was actually his son that passed away.

And I admired Scott for being able to facilitate grief share along with grieving. And people kept saying, you need to stop. You need to stop. It's like, no, we're not stopping. We're going to. This is therapeutic for us, too.

Nancy: 00:45:30

Yeah. But what I would say, too, is the last thing that I would say is, you don't have to grieve alone.

And I said it earlier, there's hope, there's help, and there's hope.

And if you wanted to do a grief share group, you would go to griefshare.org so that's G R I E F S H-A R E.org and when you click on that, there's a green bar at the top. I think it's the top left. It says, find a group. And you just click on that. And you may live in a different area.

We're in South Bend, Indiana, so, yeah, in that area. So if you're even out west or whatever, you can put in your town and especially your zip code.

And if there's Grease share groups available, they will pop up. And they'll either be active now, they'll pop up. If you don't see them, try a little bit later.

Because if it's in the middle of summer, maybe there's not one going on, but then there would be one in the fall or spring. But for example, quick example. Had somebody that I was talking to locally and they said, my mother is a widow now. She's out west.

I'm here and I would really like to help her. She really is struggling and needs something.

Mentioned Grief share and we looked up her town and address and three of them popped up, one a mile away, one just a few miles and 1 5. So she could look at and say, oh, I, I know somebody in that church. I maybe want to go to that one.

So it was really so helpful and I think it's all over the United States in most areas.

Matt: 00:47:15

Well, I appreciate you both, Scott, Nancy, and opening up and even sharing some of your personal story and you've shared so much wisdom and compassion today. I want to give you a hug. I'll give you a hug after.

Steve: 00:47:30

Okay.

Matt: 00:47:31

You know, grief is never easy, but conversations like this remind us that you know, as you've mentioned several times, we do not have to walk alone though. Don't have to walk through it alone. So if you're listening and struggling with loss, please reach out.

You can find more about grief Share as Scott mentioned@griefshare.org to locate a group near you. And remember, healing doesn't mean forgetting. It means learning to live well again, even through the pain.

Nancy: 00:48:08

Amen.

Matt: 00:48:09

Thank you for joining us today on the Live well podcast. If this episode encouraged you, then share it with someone who might need to hear it.

And do not forget to subscribe for more conversations on how to live well financially, emotionally and spiritually. Until next time, I'm Matt Wilson. Take care of yourselves and take care of each other. It.